The House on the Rock

Articles - Marina Podorojniy

Fire into bosom

One day an old Jewish woman came up to me in church. Taking me by my hand and looking into my eyes she said: “Your husband and you are so precious to me. You are such a lovely couple. You are worthy of each other. But you are young and beautiful and there may be people around you who might want to entice you. Keep yourselves for each other.” Her words touched the core of my heart. I thanked her though at that moment I did not entirely realize the importance of her message. I thought: “God protects our marriage and the devil will not be able to do anything to it! This is never going to happen to my marriage!”

Yes and amen! But this kind of confidence seems to be a lot like carelessness. The Lord surely guards our marriages. But what do we have to do to save our marriage relationship? Do we know how easily and unexpectedly one can loose their family, husband or wife? “KJV: If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.” (Pr. 24:10) the Scripture warns us. We mustn’t be light-minded and underestimate our enemy.

Adultery is a dangerous enemy of Christian marriages. “KJV: For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her” (Pr. 7:26) The Bible says: “she hath cast down many wounded” and “many strong men have been slain by her” (not weak, but strong). Why do we lie idle when the devil enters our home and destroys our relationships? Why are we unable to identify our enemy in good time?  What is this: our lack of knowledge or lack of experience? “Where is no guidance, people are destroyed” (Hos. 4:6 “KJV: My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge …”) the Scripture states.

In Samuel 2, chapter 11 we read the story of king David and Bathsheba. David loved God, but once he showed weakness when from the rooftop of his house he saw the wife of another man. On learning that her husband is away, he sends his servants to bring her into his home. After having sex with her, he sends her back. Later on Bathsheba got pregnant. When David learned about that he got very anxious because it was not easy for him to conceal his sin. He orders his men to deal with Bathsheba’s husband, and takes Bathsheba into his home.

When reading this story you can be shocked by David’s evil deeds. He took the wife of another man by killing her husband. Why did David order to get rid of Bathsheba’s husband? Proverbs 6:29-31 say:

 “KJV: So he that goeth in to his neighbour"s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent.”

verses 30 - 31. “KJV: Men do not despise a thief, if he steal to satisfy his soul when he is hungry;

But if he be found, he shall restore sevenfold; he shall give all the substance of his house.”

verse 32. “KJV: But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.”

verse 33. “KJV: A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away.”

verse 34. “KJV: For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance.”

verse 35. “KJV: He will not regard any ransom; neither will he rest content, though thou givest many gifts.”

Wounds, dishonor, reproach and even worse death. These are the things David feared and that’s why he had Uriah killed.

Some of us are ready to do anything to conceal their sin. You can conceal your committed sin from people, but not from God.

So, what are the reasons that make a married couple be unfaithful to each other? I suppose that the lack of understanding between husband and wife can be one reason. The couple may well get tired of constant scandals, yelling and quarrels inside their family. Such behavior ruins warm and confidential relationship, which used to be before, and generates new problems.

The spouses are not willing to discuss their problems and eventually one of them starts seeking to fill his/her needs outside their marriage.

The next reason can be our cold and distant relationships with God. Due to the chaotic atmosphere in their families people loose their relationships with God. But the relationships with God should be the primary, and not the secondary factor for each Christian. “A threefold card cannot quickly be torn in two”.

The third assumed reason is the lack of children. Suppose there is a couple who don’t have children, but they are very eager to have them. None of them is to blame for the situation, but due to the feeling of guilt, depression or dejection, they may express their negative emotions towards each other. Such behavior causes severe wounds and stirs up resentment. It’s very important not to despair and believe in God’s ability to bless you with a wonderful son or daughter. Sarrah waited for the promised Isaac for twenty-five years, and you need faith and longanimity in order to inherit God’s promises. God is all mighty! He has a solution for any of our problems.

The fourth reason of conflicts can be our working too much, fatigue, pressure or difficulties at work or our ministry. You can get the feeling that you’ve been “stuck in a bottle’. You don’t feel satisfied, happy or successful. If our life only belongs to our ministries and not to God then we can have a temptation to harden our hearts. Where is God? Why can’t he help me? Does he not care for what I feel?

God is not the cause of our failure in our ministry. The problem is we, not God! Our ministry has taken the first place in our lives; we’ve put God in the background. Probably it happened when you didn’t guard yourself, nor did you listen to instructions or accept the denunciation. Proverbs 5:3: “KJV: For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil”

You’ve not suddenly fallen in love. Your desire gradually rooted in your heart. It started with talking, then came attachment and it all resulted in your dependence on the person. 

(Pr. 7:9-19) – the story is telling us about one inexperienced youth who was attracted to a married woman.  

verses 13-19: “KJV: So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,

I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.

Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee.

I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt.

I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.

Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.

For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:”

Proverbs 7:5 says: “KJV: That they may keep thee from the strange woman, from the stranger which flattereth with her words”.

It’s hard to identify the reason that causes the spouses to be unfaithful to each other. You can try to comfort or persuade yourself, you can try to explain yourself or justify your actions to others. But the real problem is hidden inside of you! You can’t be faithful to the promise you gave to your wife (or husband). Perhaps you were the cause for those looking for causes. God can help you save your marriage and restore your relationships, but he is not going to do it instead of you. God will do it together with you.

You need to get back your first love for your God, sincerely repent to him and ask him to help you. It’s important to see and admit that the present situation in your family is caused by the devil. You have fallen for his bait. You won’t be able to get free as long as you enjoy what you’ve gotten involved in. Freedom will come when you get to hate sin. Don’t be silent; be courageous to tell your spouse about the feelings concealed inside of you. Abandon any feeling of euphoria and dreaminess.

Perhaps, you haven’t had any intimacy yet, but filthy thoughts have already filled your mind and heart. Admit that it’s hard for you to control yourself. Perhaps others have noticed you trying to carefully conceal something. Have courage to confess and tell your spouse about your feelings. Say that you want to overcome this, that you are fighting it.

I think both spouses need courage. After all one needs courage to talk about it, and the other to listen without blaming, but offering help instead.

Suppose you’ve already listened to your spouse, so what are you going to do next? Some of us who found themselves this tough situation suffer great pain and don’t know what they should do. In this condition we are more likely to respond rather than act. We’ll discuss it in more details later on.

And what should do the party, which doesn’t know about their partner’s (husband or wife’s) emotional experience? What should you do if your spouse doesn’t want to reveal their problem to you?

Generally the spouses get to know each other quite well after 3 years of marriage, this should help you to identify danger in due time. At the same time, it will help you do your best to win back your beloved ones.

Once I had to visit the family of a pastor family who invited me to his church. Judging from its appearance the family seemed happy: a husband who loves God, a caring wife and three children. That evening, besides me, there was another believer sister who helped the pastor’s wife around the house. Her behavior was defiant. Hadn’t I known the pastor’s wife, I would have thought that it was that woman who actually was his wife. Having taken the pastor’s wife aside I told her: “This woman is flirting with your husband. You should give her the sack!” But she objected: “She is a good sister and a great prayer! And besides, she looks after my children so well.” I didn’t say anything else. In a month and a half the pastor left his family, his wife and children and went away with that sister!

Wives, be wise!

The spouses must guard their marriages. If you notice certain background, i.e. there is a cause for infatuation or unfaithfulness, be wise! Don’t say and think: “It can’t happen to my husband, my family.” Your spouse is a mere human can have their emotional soft spots. He or she may be unable to identify danger, but you can help your spouse by exposing them; you can save their souls and your marriage. Be jealous in order to win back your spouse. I mean natural and quite normal jealousy. The jealousy becomes abnormal when you start to feel jealous of your spouse to every lamp post. (Song of Songs 8:6) “KJV: Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.”

This kind of jealousy is groundless and unreasonable. The motive of your jealousy is love.

So, admit that the possibility of your spouse being unfaithful to you is real. You should also admit the fact that now someone else could have taken place in your spouse’s heart instead of you. Don’t fool yourself. By admitting the reality of the situation you can help both yourself and your spouse.

If you have enough facts, use them to denounce your spouse. The facts speak for themselves, pray to God for disclosure of any secrets. Keep your hair on while talking to your spouse. (Pr. 16:32) “KJV: … he that ruleth his spirit [is better] than he that taketh a city.” Don’t hurry to make a quick conclusion, instead let your spouse have their say. An open conversation is crucial in this situation, not to sort out your relationship, but to help your spouse confess their dishonest actions. Don’t start the talk willing to prove anything, accuse or express your accumulated emotions. Make up your mind to restrain yourself, let your every word be weighted and well-considered. Don’t think at this moment about your pain, but think of your spouse, how to help him or her.

I’d like to add that there are times when we find it difficult to initiate such a talk. We take our time thinking our spouse will tell everything themselves. These are only excuses; your spouse will never confess to you; it’s stupid to wait in vain. You should remember you are losing your precious time, because it’s not too late and the situation can easily be corrected.

You need to let you rival know that you can see what’s going on and that you dislike the fact that he/she is flirting with your spouse. You shouldn’t fear to say openly: “Why do you call him/her?” Let your rival feel awkward and uncomfortable, not you. Don’t be afraid to make remarks: “Why are you flirting with my husband/wife?” Maybe your remarks will be a drag on further development of their relationship.

And one more thing, don’t do anything for your spouse. You should do it with your spouse, not for your spouse. You can’t repent instead of her or him, but you can do it together praying for your spouse. You can’t answer the phone calls instead of your spouse, it is your spouse who should do it. Your husband or wife will have to learn how to say “no”.

Both of the spouses, either together or individually should realize that it takes time for your marriage to be healed. For some couples the rehabilitation period can take a lot of time. That’s why you shouldn’t control, suspect or blame your spouse after they have already decided to give up sin and restore their relationship with you.

Show your spouse that you have faith and trust them for 100 per cent. Your spouse should know you have forgiven them. Your forgiveness will help your spouse in their struggle and your husband/wife will be able to appreciate you and your love. Proverbs 6: 26-29 say: “KJV: For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adultress will hunt for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth in to his neighbour"s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent”.